labour of love

why do you still make me cry

why do i still cry?

i should be happy now

and yet

all i can think about

is

.

i’m going to put on some happy music and dance around my room,

nobody’s watching.

 

why?

would you know my name

if i saw you in heaven?

i’m just so tired of everything

seeing you every day

but pretending i don’t

knowing

but pretending i don’t

most of all

pretending i don’t

when i do.

i don’t know why

everything makes me want to cry

i don’t know why

everything makes me think of you

i don’t know why

(when i know why)

i know i shouldn’t

most of all

because i know better.

i don’t know

why?

why do we learn to love?

why do we learn to do it

when it causes so much pain?

they say:

learning to love is the easiest thing to do

learning to let go takes a lifetime

if only it didn’t

if only i didn’t

if only i could.

if only, if only, if only.

no ifs, ands or buts.

no more.

before i knew you i had everything i needed

now you make me

_____________.

the pieces don’t fit anymore

I’ve been twisting and turning in a space that’s too small
I’ve been drawing the line and watching it fall
You’ve been closing me in, closing the space in my heart
Watching us fading and watching us fall apart

Well I can’t explain why it’s not enough
Coz I gave it all to you
And if you leave me now
Oh just leave me now
It’s the better thing to do

It’s time to surrender
It’s been too long pretending
There’s no use in trying
When the pieces don’t fit anymore

Oh, don’t misunderstand how I feel
Coz I’ve tried, yes I’ve tried
Still I don’t know why
No I don’t know why

Why I can’t explain why it’s not enough
Coz I gave it all to you
And if you leave me now
Oh just leave me now
It’s the better thing to do

It’s time to surrender
It’s been too long pretending
There’s no use in trying
When the pieces don’t fit anymore
The pieces don’t fit anymore

You pulled me under so I had to give in
Such a beautiful mess that’s breaking my skin
Well I’ll hide all the bruises; I’ll hide all the damage that’s done
But I show how I’m feeling until all the feeling has gone

Well I can’t explain why it’s not enough
Coz I gave it all to you
And if you leave me now
Oh just leave me now
It’s the better thing to do

It’s time to surrender
It’s been too long pretending
There’s no use in trying
When the pieces don’t fit anymore
The pieces don’t fit anymore

*

don’t, please.

don’t.

guilty pleasures

following in the spirit of the tag

my guilty pleasures are:

• Shoes (buying, looking at, taking pictures off, stroking obsessively etc)
• Talking to friends about nothing for hours…and then talking somemore..today was fun.. :)
• Magazines and books
• Baking (although i don’t have much time for this now)
• TV,dvds and movies, although it’s been ages since i actually watched any of those on an actual TV or in a cinema, haha.
• Facebook, the source of all evil, there are probably some kind of hypnotic mind waves coming from the site, which is why it is so hypnotic and addictive and makes you want to poke people, except i don’t actually understand if there is some kind of hidden meaning to this poking, is there?
• Blogging when i should be studying (which is what i am doing now,haha)

*ibegones*

if only i know

i actually kind of hate holidays.

no,really.

it’s not the free time, it’s not the boredom.

it’s just that every holiday i find myself alone, not in the literal sense, but…alone.

and every holiday reminds me that everything that i love about the non-holidays….well…it’s not real.

odd,i know.

other people lose their realities on holiday

but for me

holidays bring me back to reality

which makes me sad.

it still spins

you know how they say…

you should pick to be with someone who loves you, because they won’t leave you.

what if you’re the someone who loves,

then who gets to love you?

what about all the people who loved, and never left…

has anyone come up with another incredibly stupid reason for them to stay?

don’t tell me love is enough

because it isn’t.

tired

i don’t trust anyone.

ok,that’s an exaggeration…but really..there are so few people to trust.

because people, as you get to know them, display progressively increasing levels of asswipe-ish behaviour that is uncalled for and unwarranted anyway.

and what can you do, but smile and pretend nothing’s wrong?

why do i have to be nice to the people i really cannot stand?

i don’t mean that i want to be nasty to them, but why, why can’t i stop myself from acting nice, when all i feel inside is that I’M A BIG FRAUD and a HYPOCRITE.

seriously. How does one deal with people like this? avoid them? tried that. ignore them? being bitchy would just pull me down to their level, so why should i go there?

so there you have it.

trapped between people i can’t stand and people i wish would care more.

i hate this, i hate this, i hate this.

i hate everything about this

and i hate that there’s no one in my corner

there never was anyway, but maybe my stupidity and naivete led me to think otherwise.

why do people like to play stupid mind games. maybe you think it’s funny but really,it’s not, and i can see right through you.

someone said the other day…this is a good time for you to learn how to work with people you cannot stand, and i just wanted to hug him because this is what i’ve been saying the entire time, and i was worried that it was only me who thought this way and everyone liked everyone else, and because i didn’t i must be some kind of horrible antisocial person.

maybe i need to stop thinking about other people for a while.

i hate that i cannot say the things i want to say and need to say and have to say.

i hate that the harder i try the worse it gets but i just cannot let go. it’s like hanging onto a rope from the edge of a cliff and trying to climb up, because you KNOW you have to hold on, but the harder you try the more tired you become and then you slide further and further from where you want to be.

pffty pffty

me so tired

why is it that the harder i work the less i seem to do.

hmmm???????????????

now you know,i’m THAT transparent

lalalalalalala

i love you baybeee
And if it’s quite alright,
I need you, baybey
To warm a lonely night…

i love this song

so now you know

bring it on

i kind of hate the way things are

but at the same time

i’m glad i don’t have it as bad as other people.

maybe the secret

is just

perspective?

OR

maybe the secret

is just

to stop thinking!

(i like that)

i’m reading a great book right now.

how many more hoops do i have to jump?

bring it on, byotch.

It’s not just that i want to win.

IT’S THAT I ABSOLUTELY REFUSE TO LOSE.

whatever

i’m angry, frustrated, sad, depressed and angsty all at the same time

and yet i have to pretend i’m happy

when you KNOW i’m not

(and you know i’m not)

everyone can play the damned game

but why do i always lose?

why do i always, always lose?

why do you always want what i have?

why can’t you just be happy for me?

why?

if your life sucks it’s not my fault, so why are you taking it out on me?

for once, just once in the entire time i’ve known you…can’t you let me be? can you stop taking away everything i have?

i want my life back.

and i want you out of it.

i don’t care who reads this.

all the right reasons

i do all the wrong things

for all the right reasons

i hate the way

i hate the way you cut your hair

i hate the way you drive

i hate the way you talk to me

i hate the way  you’re always right

i hate it when you stare

i hate it when you lie

i hate it when you make me laugh

even worse when you make me cry

i hate it so much it makes me sick

but mostly i hate the way

i don’t hate you.

not even a little bit

not even at all.

i”ve been watching tv again.

random things

fake tans are stupid-it’s one thing to glow and quite another to turn orange.

there’s no such thing as too much of a coincidence- that girl from harvard who copied Megan McCafferty’s work COPIED, it wasn’t a COINCIDENCE or whatever. Puh-leeeze….

i like this quote…don’t ASSUME things, it makes an ASS out of U and ME.

whining gets tiring after a while, both for the listener and whiner, so I’ll stop now.

sometimes when i get messages i accidentally on purpose forget to reply.

sometimes i just switch off all my phones so i DON’T receive your messages, then i won’t feel so guilty about forgetting to reply.

teehee.

i’m watching some sort of football show now, but only because i’m too lazy to look for the remote control.

i need to buy a new printer

and a pair of shoes (want, not need)

i like unsweetened soy milk.

i am lactose intolerant. but i still love dairy products, so i spend a lot of time in the toilet.

i hate speech mannerisms

2 shelves in my cupboard have broken

jealousy is stupid (but i am human)

there is a hole in my shirt.

so i also need to get a new shirt.

yay.

i don’t know why

I don’t know why I cry at movies

even the crap ones.

Whenever it gets sad or moving *koffkoff* my eyes just well with tears and I cry.

I don’t know why.

Maybe it’s because I want to cry over what happens in real life, but it’s too complicated for me to understand, so I can’t, and it leads to a lot of pent up frustration.

Sometimes I think I can handle it, and sometimes I know I can’t.

I’d like to ALWAYS be able to handle it, but I just can’t, I am only human.

years from now when people accuse me of being cold and untrusting, I hope you realise it’s your fault.

Whatever it is you want to do please do it somewhere else, do it to someone who doesn’t care so much, because it won’t hurt them as much as it hurts me.

Please.

everyday she dies a little bit more, but you don’t see,you don’t see,you only see what you want to.

today,tomorrow and maybe yesterday.

i once read that love means never having to say you’re sorry

i humbly beg to differ.

i was reading something

that has a better explanation.

love means:

admitting you’re wrong when you know you are

saying sorry and meaning it

sometimes it means just swallowing your pride, because that person is worth so much more than that.

it means forgiving someone who loves you enough

and remembering why it is you loved them in the first place.

it may not last forever

but enjoy the ride.

(also. david blaine is going to live in an aquarium now…this is Good News.)

Listening: Smoke Gets In Your Eyes

perfect

i’m so tired.

none of us need it

but no one’s letting go

why?

it’s like quicksand…the more you struggle, the faster you sink…

but in the end you still get sucked in, so what’s the point in resisting…

like star trek (or whatever it was)….

resistance is futile!

but it shouldn’t be.

frustration is futile, too.

frusto da gama.

ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH.

it’s like standing in front of a large piece of glass, looking through at what could have been, but never, never being able to just reach out and touch it.

Listening: On Fire; Switchfoot

and then there was this girl

who (in the 6 months that I’ve known her, and the 3 conversations that we’ve had) mentions the fact that she studied in Singapore/ is half Singaporean, never mind that

a) none of us really cared the first time you insisted on telling us,

and

b) none of us really cared the second time around,

and

c) by now we have stopped listening to you…

pfft…

honestly…

if i went around telling my friends the story of my life, then fine, they’re my Friends, at least they know who i am..

but to go around telling everyone, random strangers (e.g. moi) included, is simply Stupid.

and coupled to the fact that she decided today was Brokeback day, and made references to Brokeback about 6 times in half a minute (I counted- it was a boring meeting), I have No Choice but to laugh her off as one loony wannabe.

I happen to think Brokeback is a wonderful movie in itself, but the publicity and hype surrounding it makes it so…ick.

I mean..it’s fine when a movie (or anything for that matter) stands for something, and makes you think, but when people jump on the bandwagon just because it’s the cool thing to do, not because they really understand it, or think it means something, then it’s just sad…it isn’t wrong, obviously, but it’s still lame…

You see, this is Exactly why I will never like Singaporeans. Half/Quarter/one-eighth Singaporeans included.

PFFFFFFFT.

all kinds of time

cause we lost it all

nothing lasts forever

i’m sorry

i can’t be perfect

now it’s just too late

and we can’t go back now

i’m sorry

i can’t be perfect

o sole mio

today i had an interesting conversation with someone i’ve known for a while, but have never really talked to.

i found out some things which i initially thought i’d rather not know, and for a while i wished i didn’t.

then during PBL (problem based learning, where we sit in groups and discuss whatever problem the uni decides to throw at us)…when i sort of zoned out for a short while (my group mate was sitting opposite me and was staring me down when he was talking, so i had no choice but to zone out)

ok, i’m meandering….will get back to point…

so when i was zoning out, i realised that for the first time in a while, i actually feel…free?

not free in the sense that i was chained down before, and now i’ve found sweet salvation (ahh!) or whatever…(pfft!)

free in the sense that..i just felt like a huge weight had been lifted off me.

you know how sometimes you work very hard to solve a puzzle, then when you find the answer you think…Ah! Now everything makes sense!

it’s the same feeling, the same kind of satisfaction, but derived from a completely different situation.

i think its funny that i’d expected to be somewhat troubled(?) by it, or that it would make things more complicated, but it actually turned out to be a good thing.

good things come in strange packages?

maybe.

it’s been a good day.

diorama

Okay. I don’t mean to whine.

(Weeellll.Yes I do.But never mind.)

When I’m with my friends sometimes I wonder if they’d do for me what I do for them. Far be it from me to suggest that I’m a perfect friend (Lord knows I’m not), but hey. I’m not going to sugarcoat it and pretend like staying friends with someone can be hard sometimes. But that’s what it’s about, or so I’ve been told.

I seriously HATE being taken for granted.

YES. I think that when I do something I deserve recognition for, goddammit, I SHOULDN’T be ashamed of feeling proud of myself for accomplishing that.

I HATE it when I run around in circles trying to arrange things so that everyone will be happy, only to have all of them turn around and ask me why it isn’t perfect, or why couldn’t it have gone better.

I’m not above criticism- I don’t mind being criticised(but it’s hard, I admit).But it really sucks when you don’t even hear a thank you, and those people you tried so hard to please (because they’re my friends and I actually care about them) don’t give a rat’s ass, and assume that because you’ve always done it, you’ll do it again and again, since I OBVIOUSLY must be some kind of sucker for punishment.

I learnt a long time ago (thanks to something a friend told me) that there are 2 kinds of people in the world- the pretty people, whom everyone run around worshipping and generally putting up on pedestals, and the sidekicks-those people who worship the pretty people, and run around putting them up on pedestals.

And she went on to say that in any one circle of people, there could only be so many pretty people, and the rest of us are relegated to sidekick status (just like in Sky High), and you’d be damned if you think the pretty people are going to do anything for their sidekicks. Well they’d try, but it’d probably end up being about them anyway.

So what now- the sidekicks get nothing?

I AM going to whine here, because I’m not going to censor myself in my own blog.

I’m actually watching Everybody Loves Raymond while I write this, and I can’t help but feel it’s a pretty good illustration of my point.

Raymond gets all the attention, and his brother Robert is a Sidekick, down to the T. (K, actually.) And when Raymond and his friends leave Robert at his bachelor party, Debra tells him to go back and make it up to him, because, as she puts it,

whether someone says so or not, everyone likes to be treated special sometimes.

Ahh. That felt good.

A little whining can do a lot.

and they said-

They say she’s strong but they can’t see the things she never shows, so alone she dies a little more everyday… making sure nobody knows, they say she’s stronger than any girl should be but maybe she’s just better at pretending.

Tomorrow I Will

If you know me, obviously you’d know of my slight problem with TV addiction.

You see, no matter how crappy life is, no matter how mean people treat you, no matter how long it’s been since something exciting happened to you, TV ALWAYS helps.

TV makes me smile when I’m sad.

Of course it doesn’t help that when I’m sad I tend to watch sad shows, then I end up blubbering like a whale when Boone dies AGAIN.

I swear, if anything happens to Sawyer, I don’t know what I’ll do.

And if I watch a happy show, I sometimes end up crying, cos…it’s so happy, ya know?

Haha..

Anyway.

I’ve been watching Chinese serials since I was young, which really helped me pick up Malay (cos the subtitles were in Malay) and Cantonese. Well. Not that I can SPEAK Cantonese, but hey..at least now I actually understand what people are saying…some of the time,anyway…

Out of the 3 shows I watch, all three have the same underlying theme, which ironically, reflects my life right now.

This is really pissing me off, because it’s like…

PROGRAMMING PEOPLES, IS THIS YOUR IDEA OF A JOKE?

Isn’t it bad enough that I have to LIVE through this, now I have to WATCH it happening as well?

On TV it (almost) always ends nicely, because..well…obviously the writers know what people like me want to watch. But how often does that happen in real life?

We are all the stars of our own little space operas.

It’s probably worth noting (well,it’s incredibly obvious) that we’re all peripheral characters in other people’s lives as well.

Sad, then, that peripheral characters usually don’t get the girl/guy/prize/whatever other situation in which one can triumph, well they DON’T.

The only good thing that can come out of this is to remember nobody gets to play the lead all the time. I mean..things can only suck THAT much, right?

Damn.

You can run, but you can’t hide.

if only

when you’re angry,

no amount of keyboard abuse will do you any good.

the keys feel no pain, and you might just end up having to buy a new keyboard.

nobody wins.

when someone makes you angry

wait.

why should i get angry at what people do?

shouldn’t i have more control over the way i feel?

so why do i choose to let the things some people say and do upset me?

i don’t know.

but after a while you become numb

and the things those people say and do

no longer affect you

because they’re not worth it

but you are.

One Day

I got this in an email, and yes, I know it’s made the rounds before. But it’s Valentine’s Day, and everyone needs a little love sometimes, even those you think are invincible; those who never cry in front of you; those who are happy for you even if it means that it makes them sad. 

One day a teacher asked her students to list the names of the other
students in the room on two sheets of paper, leaving a space between each
name.

Then she told them to think of the nicest thing they could say about each
of their classmates and write it down.

It took the remainder of the class period to finish their assignment, and
as the students left the room, each one handed in the papers.

That Saturday, the teacher wrote down the name of each student on a
separate sheet of paper, and listed what everyone else had said about
that individual.

On Monday she gave each student his or her list. Before long, the entire
class was smiling. “Really?” she heard whispered. “I never knew that I
meant anything to anyone!” and, “I didn’t know others liked me so
much,” were most of the comments.

No one ever mentioned those papers in class again. She never knew if they
discussed them after class or with their parents, but it didn’t matter.
The exercise had accomplished its purpose. The students were happy with
themselves and one another. That group of students moved on.

Several years later, one of the students was killed in Vietnam and his
teacher attended the funeral of that special student. She had never seen
a serviceman in a military coffin before. He looked so handsome, so mature.

The church was packed with his friends. One by one those who loved him
took a last walk by the coffin. The teacher was the last one to bless the
coffin.

As she stood there, one of the soldiers who acted as pallbearer came up
to her. “Were you Mark’s math teacher?” he asked. She nodded: “yes.” Then
he said: “Mark talked about you a lot.”

After the funeral, most of Mark’s former classmates went together to a
luncheon. Mark’s mother and father were there, obviously waiting to speak
with his teacher.

“We want to show you something,” his father said, taking a wallet out of
his pocket. “They found this on Mark when he was killed. We thought
you might recognize it.”

Opening the billfold, he carefully removed two worn pieces of notebook
paper that had obviously been taped, folded and refolded many times. The
teacher knew without looking that the papers were the ones on which she
had listed all the good things each of Mark’s classmates had said about him.

“Thank you so much for doing that,” Mark’s mother said. “As you can see,
Mark treasured it.”

All of Mark’s former classmates started to gather around. Charlie
smiled rather sheepishly and said, “I still have my list. It’s in the top drawer
of my desk at home.”

Chuck’s wife said, “Chuck asked me to put his in our wedding album.”

“I have mine too,” Marilyn said. “It’s in my diary.”

Then Vicki, another classmate, reached into her pocketbook, took out her
wallet and showed her worn and frazzled list to the group. “I carry this
with me at all times,” Vicki said and without batting an eyelash, she
continued: “I think we all saved our lists.”

That’s when the teacher finally sat down and cried. She cried for Mark
and for all his friends who would never see him again.

The density of people in society is so thick that we forget that life
will end one day. And we don’t know when that one day will be.

So please, tell the people you love and care for, that they are special
and important.

Because sometimes people need to hear.

this is a song

After many days of obsessive TV watching, random web surfing and bordering-on-compulsive nail cutting, by golly, I think I’ve gone and done it.

I’ve fried my brain.

Whoopee.

i do not love you except because i love you

by Pablo Neruda

I do not love you except because I love you;
I go from loving to not loving you,
From waiting to not waiting for you
My heart moves from cold to fire.

I love you only because it’s you the one I love;
I hate you deeply, and hating you
Bend to you, and the measure of my changing love for you
Is that I do not see you but love you blindly.

Maybe January light will consume
My heart with its cruel
Ray, stealing my key to true calm.In this part of the story I am the one who
Dies, the only one, and I will die of love because I love you,
Because I love you, Love, in fire and blood.

Sonnet XVII

by Pablo Neruda

I do not love you as if you were salt-rose, or topaz,
or the arrow of carnations the fire shoots off.
I love you as certain dark things are to be loved,
in secret, between the shadow and the soul.

I love you as the plant that never blooms
but carries in itself the light of hidden flowers;
thanks to your love a certain solid fragrance,
risen from the earth, lives darkly in my body.

I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where.
I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride;
so I love you because I know no other way

than this: in which there is no I or you,
so close that your hand upon my chest is my hand,
so close that when I fall asleep it is your eyes that close. 

if i were a donut

You Are a Caramel Crunch Donut

You’re a complex creature, and you’re guilty of complicating things for fun. You’ve been known to sit around pondering the meaning of life… Or at times, pondering the meaning of your doughnut. To frost or not to frost? To fill or not to fill? These are your eternal questions.

What Donut Are You?

Look,I’m a donut!

when

if you don’t like it when your significant other continues to wear something an ex girlfriend gave him…

instead of whining about it forever…

buy him a new one!

punch drunk love

so pointless….enough with the games

i carry your heart with me

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)
i fear
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it’s you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is youhere is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that’s keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

ee cummings

wOo

I wonder.

Sometimes

Do you think before you act?

Because I know

Sometimes

I don’t.

Sometimes

life lessons

In a relationship; the person who has control is the one who loves the other less.

Just how true is this?

He’s Just Not That Into You states this simply and forcefully.

If someone treats you badly, leaves you hanging, two-times you, doesn’t answer your calls, return your messages, or has simply disappeared on you, he’s just not that into you, regardless of how you feel.

It doesn’t matter how many excuses you can make up to justify his indifference/general jerkiness, the truth of the matter is he’s just not that into you-never was, and probably never will be.

But in reality we hang on, waiting and waiting for the day when he’ll realise that damn it, you ARE worth it.

And because every one wants to be the girl he’ll change for, the authors go on to say that we should always remember that we’re the rule, NOT THE EXCEPTION, and we deserve someone who thinks we’re fabulous in our own right, not some half-baked asswipe who can’t decide on anything and is too chicken to make a stand.

Damn right.

Okay, so maybe I added the asswipe bit, but you get my drift. Because one day, that half-baked asswipe will probably get his act together, but chances are you’re not going to be the girl he does it for.

So now you have to go look for your OWN asswipe-turned-human, and be THAT girl.

They say you shouldn’t let the people who let you down affect you; that YOU should be in control of your feelings.

Easier said than done.

I’d like to believe otherwise, of course, but the truth of the matter is that anyone who has ever been disappointed by someone they care about IS going to feel hurt and upset. Those are normal reactions, and its unfair to say that only women get upset (since naturally,they take everything personally), because if you don’t feel sad, then you probably never cared much anyway. Maybe the way in which people react to this sadness differs, but my point is…everyone gets sad.

It can really suck when someone doesn’t think you’re worth it.

It sucks even more when you know you deserve better.

And then to top off the whole damn sundae, we get bombarded with stupid, sappy movies when the girl always,always gets the guy and they live happily ever after, except when they argue over whose turn it is to take out the garbage, of course.

So we build up an unrealistic expectation of love; we come to think of it as something we deserve, rather than something we should be thankful for if we’re lucky enough to be blessed with it.

And when you don’t get it, when years go by and you’re still not that girl, you just want to give up, because really…what’s the point?

Love is overrated; biochemically equivalent to large quantities of chocolate.

I once read that one of the biggest love myths is that there is one true love out there for everyone. You know how they say that you shouldn’t frown, in case someone is falling in love with your smile? They both have the same point- that if we spend too much time looking back at a door that has closed, sometimes we miss the one that’s opening right ahead.

So why then, in spite of us KNOWING all this….why do we go on falling for people who aren’t worth it, perpetuating the pain?

Why is it so hard to move on?

Why is it so hard to forget?

listen

Gee, really..I’m not gonna steal your

1) Boyfriend

2) Sister’s boyfriend, and

3) Friends.

You can breathe now.

I’m the last person in the world who would even think of doing those things.

Really..It doesn’t matter to me..you go do your thing, and I’ll forget why I ever cared..

running to stand still

I’m sorry I can’t be who you want me to be

I’m sorry I can’t change who I am

I’m sorry I can’t stop

I’m sorry you’re reading this

I’m sorry that I want to hate you

but I’m more sorry that

I really don’t.

Listening: Son Of Sam; Elliot Smith

Reading: Vanity Fair; William Thackeray

Watching: I Wish I Could Forget You

color and light

i wonder how is it that i can be surrounded by people; and still feel lonely.

maybe its the people.

but it’s probably just me.

meeting up with old friends has a way of putting things in perspective.

well, for me, at any rate.

i just sat there thinking…wow…they’ve really changed.

but then i thought about it somemore

then i realised

it wasn’t them who changed

it was me.

Listening: Bug; Phish

my favourite things

Really now. I should be studying, but I NEEEED these shoes…

smile like you mean it

Ooo,lookie, its 2006!

I don’t feel any older or wiser or smarter, tho…

Just a little bit….

Oh,I dunno…

sticky…

Hehe…Happy New Year, everyone!

Listening: Forlorn; The Velvet Teen

Watching: MTV Prom Date (WWWWHHHHYYY!!!!!)

Reading: The Nanny Diaries; Nicola Kraus & Emma McLaughlin

that thing you do

you, doing that thing you do,

breaking my heart into a million pieces,

like you always do

and you don’t mean to be cruel

well, i try and try to forget you girl

but its just so hard to do

every time you do that thing you do!

I’ve loved this song forever, but I never really listened hard enough to know what the lyrics meant.

Now I know…

Lie To Me

I alternate between a state of euphoria, contentedness, mild irritation and a deep funk.

Sometimes I wish I wasn’t so human, so I wouldn’t have to feel so many things.

Sometimes I wish the world could be like one of those paint by numbers pictures…so all I’d have to do is to follow the numbers and everything would turn out okay.

I’m not shooting for perfect, just..okay.

I’m not asking for a lot.

All I want is somebody to talk to.

Somebody to listen to me.

Somebody who knows what I mean even if I haven’t said it yet.

There’s only one person in the entire world who can do this, and for all of us its the same.

God.

Who isn’t really a person, but I’m not sufficiently well versed with theology to argue about semantics.

---

The worst way to miss someone is to be right beside them, knowing you can never have them.

Maybe that’s just the way it is.

I used to have a theory, that there was a certain amount of happiness and sadness in the universe.

(Like the Principle of Conservation of Energy, only cuter.)

So you can’t always be happy, because that’s just the way things are.

If you’ve never been sad you wouldn’t know how to appreciate being happy.

And when I was sad, I used to think…okay…it can’t last forever…and that usually made me feel better.

Well, that and chick flicks and ice-cream.

I digress.

Someone I know told me that I shouldn’t be affected by other people; what they say and what they do.

I didn’t know how to explain that it wasn’t what the other people did that made me sad. They weren’t just any “other” people.

It was what the people I care about, the people I love, the people I see everyday; what they said and did and how they acted.

I thought about what he said and maybe I’m beginning to understand.

Nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent.

It’s a self-preservation thing.

---

Quote of the day:

“I guess Daddy was right. God wants people to be happy. Nobody can be sad forever.”

                                                                                                 -Monk

Listening: Free Loop; Daniel Powter

hmm.

I’m not entirely sure

whether I’m really nice

or just

very stupid.

Listening: Fabricated; At All Costs.

why we do stupid things

About  a month ago, in an angsty fit, I decided to write a short story.

I just sat down and wrote and wrote and wrote, and by the end of it I had 10 chapters, about 50,000 words and a whole bunch or crap I’m sure nobody would want to read.

I was going to submit it to this magazine, but I waited to see whether I could somehow edit it to make it more interesting, more exciting, more…I don’t know…“un-put-down-able”..

It definitely wouldn’t qualify: 10 chapters does not make for light reading in the fluffy rag I was propositioning.

That meant I had to cut it up…at the most 7000 words, and at the same time, lose a lot of its essence.

In the end I decided not to submit it.

I didn’t want to compromise the story; my characters, flawed as they were, were part of my life.

Are part of my life.

There was a line somewhere in the first chapter:

She was only remarkable insofar that she was so completely unremarkable.

And people would only want to read about her because she led a life not so different from their own.

A major problem with my work , I know, was that it didn’t really have an ending.

Honestly, I don’t think I’ll ever finish writing it.

Because it isn’t over.

The story of Girl.

My story.

a wink and a smile

In kindergarten, your idea of a good friend was the person who let you have her red crayon when all that was left was the ugly black one. (except for Sam, who was in love with black, even at that age)

In the 1st year, your idea of a good friend was the person who went to the bathroom with you and held your hand as you walked through the scary halls.

In the 2nd year, your idea of a good friend was the person who helped you stand up to the class bully. (Unless you were the class bully, then you deserved it, you big git)

In the 3rd year, your idea of a good friend was the person who shared her lunch with you because you left yours on the bus. (Thank you, Darshini, for all the chicken nuggets)

In the 4th year, your idea of a good friend was the person who was willing to switch partners in Science lab so you wouldn’t get stuck with Nasty Nick.

In the 5th year, your idea of a good friend was the person who saved a seat at the back of the bus for you.

In the 6th year, your idea of a good friend was the person who went up to your crush and asked him to dance, so that if he said no, you wouldn’t be embarassed.

In the 7th year, your idea of a good friend was the person who let you copy your Moral homework the night before you had to hand it in. (because I never did mine!!!)

In the 8th year, your idea of a good friend was the person who helped you pack up your stuffed animals and old toys, but didn’t laugh when you finished and broke into tears.

In the 9th year, your idea of a good friend was the person who went with you to parties so you’d have someone to talk to.

In the 10th year, your idea of a good friend was the person who changed her schedule so you could have lunch together.

In the 11th year, your idea of a good friend was the person who gave you rides in her new car, convinced your parents that you shouldn’t be grounded, consoled you when you broke up with that loser and found you a date to the prom.

In the 12th year, your idea of a good friend was the person who helped you pick out a college, assured you that you’d get a place, and helped you deal with your parents, who were having a hard time letting you go.

At graduation, your idea of a good friend was the person who was crying on the inside, but managed the biggest smile as she congratulated you.

At the end of year blow out party, your idea of a good friend was the person who stayed back to help you clean up, assured you that now that you and that loser were back together, you could make it through anything; helped you pack for college and silently hugged you as you looked through blurry eyes at the 18 years of memories you were leaving behind.

Now, your idea of a good friend is still the person who gives you the better of two choices.

Holds your hand when you’re scared.

Helps you fight off those who try to take advantage of you.

Thinks of you when you’re not there

Reminds you what you’ve forgotten

Helps you put the past behind you, but understands when you need to hold on a little bit longer

Stays with you so you’ll have confidence

Goes out of her way to make time for you

Helps you clear up your mistakes

Smiles for you even when she is sad

Helps you become a better person:

and

Loves you.

---

And that…ladies and gentlemen, is what we call….a schmaltzy ending.

Sorry, I just couldn’t resist… =)

What lies beneath…

my secret life

I started this blog anonymously, although I’m not quite sure how long this will last.

My primary blog is where I post most of my confident,insightful stuff (bah,humbug..)…

And this is where I can post things for myself, because I’m only human and I like to complain and say things that sound quite stupid, so at least I get to do it in the pseudo-privacy of an anonymous blog!

Brilliant idea so far! I am so the genius. Yay..

Your Blogging Type is Confident and Insightful

You’ve got a ton of brain power, and you leverage it into brilliant blog. Both creative and logical, you come up with amazing ideas and insights. A total perfectionist, you find yourself revising and rewriting posts a lot of the time. You blog for yourself – and you don’t care how popular (or unpopular) your blog is!

What’s Your Blogging Personality?

 

Aww….thank you, dear peoples at Blogthings, but are you sure you’re getting it right?

otherwise engaged

i have a question.

when people volunteer to do things for charitable causes:

why do they do it?

to be honest, sometimes my reasons are less than altruistic.

i’m not going to pretend that i’m some kind of vegan-non-dairy-save the whales- type chick.

sometimes the reason i do nice things for people is so i can feel good about myself, so that it gives me satisfaction, knowing that i might have made someone else a little bit happier that day.

is it really so terrible to be this person?

i mean…when you do something unselfish , for a slightly selfish reason…does that make you a sucky person?

maybe i’m amazed

This picture accurately summarises my mood…

Waiting for that ray of light to come shining through.

Maybe I’m a lonely girl,who’s in the middle of something that she doesn’t really understand

Because I don’t.

bizarre bazaar

Every sane girl should own:

1) Mean jeans- you can’t go wrong with Seven, citizens of humanity or Diesel…

2) The quintessential white shirt…dress it up or down!

3) A power suit, for days when you feel like crap so you can give people the impression that you can (and will) kick their asses lest they mess with you.

4) Bold bags- pick one and let that be your signature!

5) Shoes for shmoozing- you just can’t go wrong with these…and the rule of thumb is, if it hurts, it must be gorgeous!

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For anyone dropping by….(if there actually ARE people who do)

I must confess that I’m not quite sure what to do with this blog (hence the long gap between this post and the last, and the glaring difference between the last angsty rant and this fluffy chick-post..)…haven’t decided if its going to be a ranting post, or just somewhere to jot general thoughts that randomly pop up…

But do drop by…maybe I’ll surprise you!

=)

because i’m worth it

Sometimes I wonder if I have any real friends left.

Sometimes I wonder if I’ve ever had any,to begin with.

Is it innate human nature,that every one of us has a propensity to be self-centred-and some more so than others?

A resounding yes.

I can’t stand being a “listening post” anymore.

My life does not revolve around listening to every minute detail of my friend’s day.I really don’t care what the state of their relationships with their significant others are like.

really.

I DON’T CARE.

Read my lips.

I HONESTLY AND SOLEMNLY SWEAR,THAT I DO NOT CARE.

Call me an evil,cold-hearted bitch from hell-

Go ahead,you know you want to.

How they have the nerve to complain about their friends who don’t listen to them is completely beyond me.

“You don’t know what I’m going through.You’re evil,I can’t stand you.Its so hard,my life is a mess,I’m a mess,I hate myself,I’m useless,you’re evil,I hate you,I want to die,I’m worthless,nobody listens to me,people are such bitches,they jump to conclusions about me,I want to die,you’re evil,I hate you..”

So if you hate me, and I’m evil,why the hell do you still insist on talking to me?

An evil cold hearted bitch I may be-

But at least I have manners.

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Go on talking.Because I’m not listening anymore.